I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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