...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
