how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
