Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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