i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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