so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
