i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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