i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
