when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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