there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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