Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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