my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
