um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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