I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
