just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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