The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
