I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
