if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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