i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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