Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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