i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
