My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
