So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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