Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
