People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
