Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
