Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
