Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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