I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
