You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
