What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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