I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
