I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
