Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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