is your mom at the bar?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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