I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
