So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
