I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She's not a foreskin expert like you
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize