Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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