I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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