There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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