Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
