my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
