My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
