This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
