dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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