Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
