Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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