So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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