I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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