I'm drive I can fine osifer
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
